Sisters and Brethren,
The shock of Mitt Romney losing the election put us all into a coma. All three of us. In our synchronized comatose state we were actually jointly lucid in each others' dreams. President Eyring has actually started writing a screenplay about it. It's called Deception.
Speaking of which, we have decided it is time to come clean on some issues of our Church History. It is time. Apocalypse Now. Let's let the dogs out. We will therefore issue a series of 10 well-written essays over the next several months addressing so-called controversial topics starting with the so-called conflicting versions of the so-called First Vision.
What we'd really like to say is this: "Yeah, this is hard stuff." Like you, the three of us were pretty set back when we first came across all the historical...discrepancies. So we don't know how to interpret all this. We feel joyful in our faith, so there's that. And we feel as if this Church is a system that works. But...well...we honestly can't really process all the facts. So we are putting them on a metaphorical shelf for now.
But we can't say that.
The best approach here, for us at least, is to treat each topic with a mildly academic tone. We will encase the facts in special faith language as a distraction. If the Spirit has told you that Joseph Smith is a prophet, then the facts will have little bearing on you. Does it really matter if the vision literally happened? If you already know Joseph Smith was a prophet, then nothing about the First Vision accounts should bother you. After all, faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things. Also, wickedness never was happiness (threw that in for good measure).
We need to run. Elder Packer keeps emailing us about some cowboy sculpture he's calling breakneck mountain or something. Always sculpting, that guy!
Sincerely,
FFP
Monday, June 3, 2013
Monday, October 15, 2012
We're Going to Need a Bigger Broom
Sisters and Brethren!
Our Mormon Moment is reaching its zenith. Maybe. Depends on the election results.
No matter how hard we try to sweep this under the rug, though, the issue of blacks and the priesthood just doesn't go quietly into the night.
Ask Mormon Girl addressed it today.
So here's our dilemma. What we want to say is this:
"Dear world,
Sorry about the racist doctrine and policies that lasted over a hundred years. We know it caused discomfort to many missionaries and members in good standing who had to answer challenging questions over the years. Also, it must have been real tough actually being black in the midst of all the "fence-sitter" rhetoric.
It wasn't right. It wasn't inspired. It wasn't doctrine.
It was wrong. It was misguided. It was bigotry mingled with scripture."
That's what we WANT to say. But we really can't, because it opens a can of worms.
Intelligent members would undoubtedly say, "Wait a sec. We had leaders over the pulpit proclaiming this as doctrine, as God's will (however mysterious). If the prophets got this huge thing wrong, then what else can they get wrong?"
See what we mean?
Of course the faithful defenders can counter with something like, "But they get the important stuff right. The Church was no more racist than any other organization during that time period."
Fair enough. But let us play the part again of the thoughtful observer, who says, "Perhaps. But I don't stand up the first Sunday of every month and testify that the Mississippi Unified School District is God's only true organization on the earth.
That the Mayor of St. Louis speaks directly with God and knows God's will for us today.
That the AT&T phone book is the most correct book on earth.
Yet Mormonism does profess exclusive rights to direct revelation from God, and as such should be held to a standard of perfection. No errors. If it is God at the helm, and if God is perfect, then there is no room for error in God's guidance. And if someone at the top were to misrepresent God, then that person - according to LDS tradition - would be removed from that position before the misrepresentation could be effected."
Or something along those lines.
Which is why it's best left under the rug. What do we gain by addressing it? Nothing. What do we lose? Well that whole group of "faithful thoughtfuls" are at risk. For some, this would be that shaky first step off the path of mainstream Mormonism. And it takes them down a slippery slope. Next is questioning gender roles, then voting for Democrats, then mass consumption of energy drinks, then pornography addictions and usage of words like damn, hell, and bitch.
So leave it there, under the rug. But we're going to need a bigger broom.
Sincerely,
FFP
Our Mormon Moment is reaching its zenith. Maybe. Depends on the election results.
No matter how hard we try to sweep this under the rug, though, the issue of blacks and the priesthood just doesn't go quietly into the night.
Ask Mormon Girl addressed it today.
So here's our dilemma. What we want to say is this:
"Dear world,
Sorry about the racist doctrine and policies that lasted over a hundred years. We know it caused discomfort to many missionaries and members in good standing who had to answer challenging questions over the years. Also, it must have been real tough actually being black in the midst of all the "fence-sitter" rhetoric.
It wasn't right. It wasn't inspired. It wasn't doctrine.
It was wrong. It was misguided. It was bigotry mingled with scripture."
That's what we WANT to say. But we really can't, because it opens a can of worms.
Intelligent members would undoubtedly say, "Wait a sec. We had leaders over the pulpit proclaiming this as doctrine, as God's will (however mysterious). If the prophets got this huge thing wrong, then what else can they get wrong?"
See what we mean?
Of course the faithful defenders can counter with something like, "But they get the important stuff right. The Church was no more racist than any other organization during that time period."
Fair enough. But let us play the part again of the thoughtful observer, who says, "Perhaps. But I don't stand up the first Sunday of every month and testify that the Mississippi Unified School District is God's only true organization on the earth.
That the Mayor of St. Louis speaks directly with God and knows God's will for us today.
That the AT&T phone book is the most correct book on earth.
Yet Mormonism does profess exclusive rights to direct revelation from God, and as such should be held to a standard of perfection. No errors. If it is God at the helm, and if God is perfect, then there is no room for error in God's guidance. And if someone at the top were to misrepresent God, then that person - according to LDS tradition - would be removed from that position before the misrepresentation could be effected."
Or something along those lines.
Which is why it's best left under the rug. What do we gain by addressing it? Nothing. What do we lose? Well that whole group of "faithful thoughtfuls" are at risk. For some, this would be that shaky first step off the path of mainstream Mormonism. And it takes them down a slippery slope. Next is questioning gender roles, then voting for Democrats, then mass consumption of energy drinks, then pornography addictions and usage of words like damn, hell, and bitch.
So leave it there, under the rug. But we're going to need a bigger broom.
Sincerely,
FFP
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Working on our Conference Talks!
Sisters and Brethren,
As you know General Conference is right around the corner. Time to dust off the old crystal balls (read: Urims and Thummims) and start prophesying and forthtelling etc.
If you haven't noticed, lately we've been rocking this new vibe of "low-key, feel-good" talks. That should hold true for this session, since we expect the whole world to be watching.
A couple months ago I had this great idea to put an empty big red chair by the pulpit during my closing remarks and address invisible Lucifer. I was really going to zing him. It was going to be cray. Seriously it was hall of fame material.
But now I'm just going to stick to some good personal interest anecdotes. I still have some left in my quiver that you haven't heard.
Anyhow, it's still a month away, but we just get so excited this time of year and we just can't hide it.
Sincerely,
FFP
As you know General Conference is right around the corner. Time to dust off the old crystal balls (read: Urims and Thummims) and start prophesying and forthtelling etc.
If you haven't noticed, lately we've been rocking this new vibe of "low-key, feel-good" talks. That should hold true for this session, since we expect the whole world to be watching.
A couple months ago I had this great idea to put an empty big red chair by the pulpit during my closing remarks and address invisible Lucifer. I was really going to zing him. It was going to be cray. Seriously it was hall of fame material.
But now I'm just going to stick to some good personal interest anecdotes. I still have some left in my quiver that you haven't heard.
Anyhow, it's still a month away, but we just get so excited this time of year and we just can't hide it.
Sincerely,
FFP
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Come As You Are
Sisters and Brethren,
Nirvana said it best: Come as you are.
We wish to extend a warm welcome to anyone and everyone, regardless of what you think, what you do, and how you look.
If you want to be part of the church family, yet you don't literally believe there was a flood and Noah put every animal on a boat...that's cool! And if you DO believe it, great! Who cares? What good is a family if there isn't a little dinner table drama every once in a while? Are you skeptical about Mormon doctrine? Church history? Come on in! But be respectful, and remember we're all just trying to find our own path to God, or at a minimum, a path to goodness.
Come as you are!
Come with your tattoos, mohawks, piercings, suits and ties, long-sleeves, heavy metal, root beer, green jell-o, jokes, beards, homeopathy, scriptures, subversive bonnets, anger, laziness, love, respect, mistakes, hopes, dreams, disbelief, quirks, home-schooled kids, zeal, crying babies, sunburns, tobacco-stained fingers, and everything else that makes you YOU.
Just come. We are lucky to have you at all!
Sometimes we get a little excited over whether someone is wearing a white shirt, or whether a sister is wearing slacks. We declare that these things are not important. Not even close!
What IS important? Lifting, supporting, encouraging, welcoming, loving, helping, embracing.
Left-wing, Right-wing, or Ron Paul fanboy, it's all good!
You are all welcome.
Sincerely,
FFP
Nirvana said it best: Come as you are.
We wish to extend a warm welcome to anyone and everyone, regardless of what you think, what you do, and how you look.
If you want to be part of the church family, yet you don't literally believe there was a flood and Noah put every animal on a boat...that's cool! And if you DO believe it, great! Who cares? What good is a family if there isn't a little dinner table drama every once in a while? Are you skeptical about Mormon doctrine? Church history? Come on in! But be respectful, and remember we're all just trying to find our own path to God, or at a minimum, a path to goodness.
Come as you are!
Come with your tattoos, mohawks, piercings, suits and ties, long-sleeves, heavy metal, root beer, green jell-o, jokes, beards, homeopathy, scriptures, subversive bonnets, anger, laziness, love, respect, mistakes, hopes, dreams, disbelief, quirks, home-schooled kids, zeal, crying babies, sunburns, tobacco-stained fingers, and everything else that makes you YOU.
Just come. We are lucky to have you at all!
Sometimes we get a little excited over whether someone is wearing a white shirt, or whether a sister is wearing slacks. We declare that these things are not important. Not even close!
What IS important? Lifting, supporting, encouraging, welcoming, loving, helping, embracing.
Left-wing, Right-wing, or Ron Paul fanboy, it's all good!
You are all welcome.
Sincerely,
FFP
Thursday, August 23, 2012
The New Era of Marriage
Sisters and Brethren!
So much going on up here at LDS HQ it's crazy. Just some brief thoughts on same-sex marriage.
How do you spell backtrack??? We've been heavy handed with all the voter measures on SSM, and we have mixed feelings on the results. On the one hand, we feel like we took a stand for what we believed. On the other hand, we're not all that sure we believe the right thing...does that make sense?
Our notion of eternal marriage has always assumed procreative compatibility. But then we were like, what if eternal procreation is different from our earthly bedsheet romp? What if there's some part of God's plan that somehow makes it all work out? He does, after all, work in mysterious ways, right? His thoughts are not our thoughts, etc?
And maybe causing kids to commit suicide out of shame is not really ideal?
And maybe tearing families apart over this issue contradicts our family first message?
And maybe we're making enemies of people who are just normal folks, trying to live their lives the best they can?
And maybe we do need to draw some lines when it comes to forcing our beliefs on others...there are some whacked out religions that we certainly don't want legislating on us! Blood transfusions anyone? How about illegalization of birthday parties? Yikes!
So brace yourselves for change on that. Again, we'll lose at least half the membership if we don't do it right. People are psycho over this issue, and that was not our intent. And just because Packer keeps filling the blooper reels doesn't mean we all think the same way. Dude likes to freestyle sometimes, just think of him as your sweet old grandpa who once or twice a year tosses out some racist remark that turns your skin inside out.
In the meantime, love everybody. Reach out, lift up, hold hands, embrace each other. It's cool. March in parades if you want! It's all cool folks.
Sincerely,
FFP
So much going on up here at LDS HQ it's crazy. Just some brief thoughts on same-sex marriage.
How do you spell backtrack??? We've been heavy handed with all the voter measures on SSM, and we have mixed feelings on the results. On the one hand, we feel like we took a stand for what we believed. On the other hand, we're not all that sure we believe the right thing...does that make sense?
Our notion of eternal marriage has always assumed procreative compatibility. But then we were like, what if eternal procreation is different from our earthly bedsheet romp? What if there's some part of God's plan that somehow makes it all work out? He does, after all, work in mysterious ways, right? His thoughts are not our thoughts, etc?
And maybe causing kids to commit suicide out of shame is not really ideal?
And maybe tearing families apart over this issue contradicts our family first message?
And maybe we're making enemies of people who are just normal folks, trying to live their lives the best they can?
And maybe we do need to draw some lines when it comes to forcing our beliefs on others...there are some whacked out religions that we certainly don't want legislating on us! Blood transfusions anyone? How about illegalization of birthday parties? Yikes!
So brace yourselves for change on that. Again, we'll lose at least half the membership if we don't do it right. People are psycho over this issue, and that was not our intent. And just because Packer keeps filling the blooper reels doesn't mean we all think the same way. Dude likes to freestyle sometimes, just think of him as your sweet old grandpa who once or twice a year tosses out some racist remark that turns your skin inside out.
In the meantime, love everybody. Reach out, lift up, hold hands, embrace each other. It's cool. March in parades if you want! It's all cool folks.
Sincerely,
FFP
Friday, August 17, 2012
Opening Remarks
Good morning sisters and brothers throughout the world! We wish to express our deepest love to all of you as a group and to each of you as individuals.
Let's get a few things straight right off the bat.
We are just a bunch of dudes, OK? We are trying to do the best we can.
We love God, and we seek to serve God. And we hope we are being inspired along the way. We think we are.
So we apply our human experiences and wisdom, add in a dash of inspiration, plus a pound of good intentions --then a lifetime of learned bias, pride, and fear fall into the mixing bowl while we're not looking-- and what comes out is what comes out.
It's all a work in progress.
Some of you are really devoted to everything we say. We are flattered! But please don't feel obligated to volunteer for every assignment when someone lays the guilt trip on you. That's not what we're trying to accomplish. And some psycho stuff sometimes comes out at Conference, for which we apologize. Stick some people behind a pulpit and they just start freestyling. Have you ever been to a testimony meeting? OK thank you.
We know our history is less than perfect. Sometimes we have tried to hide true events because we have feared they would draw attention away from all the good we've done. That's changing, and we are learning to embrace our own imperfections.
Stick with us. We are striving for good, and we're getting there. Join us on this journey. Bring all your faults, weirdness, emotions, personality, sense of humor, mistakes, inspiration. Because we're bringing ours and that's what makes us all a family.
Sincerely,
FFP
Let's get a few things straight right off the bat.
We are just a bunch of dudes, OK? We are trying to do the best we can.
We love God, and we seek to serve God. And we hope we are being inspired along the way. We think we are.
So we apply our human experiences and wisdom, add in a dash of inspiration, plus a pound of good intentions --then a lifetime of learned bias, pride, and fear fall into the mixing bowl while we're not looking-- and what comes out is what comes out.
It's all a work in progress.
Some of you are really devoted to everything we say. We are flattered! But please don't feel obligated to volunteer for every assignment when someone lays the guilt trip on you. That's not what we're trying to accomplish. And some psycho stuff sometimes comes out at Conference, for which we apologize. Stick some people behind a pulpit and they just start freestyling. Have you ever been to a testimony meeting? OK thank you.
We know our history is less than perfect. Sometimes we have tried to hide true events because we have feared they would draw attention away from all the good we've done. That's changing, and we are learning to embrace our own imperfections.
Stick with us. We are striving for good, and we're getting there. Join us on this journey. Bring all your faults, weirdness, emotions, personality, sense of humor, mistakes, inspiration. Because we're bringing ours and that's what makes us all a family.
Sincerely,
FFP
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